the deepest depth of our perception

Its difficult to think of an event that has traumatized you,forced you to feel neglect and pain. That is what i felt when i was abused by a person who i considered my friend. He forced me and held me down until he was done,let me go nd acted as if nothing had happened. I left that day feeling ashamed and if it was my fault. Because of course as women it’s always our fault. I couldnt bare to tell anyone.when i did my friend took it as a joke and as did i. I never told anyone again until a year after i told my boyfriend at the time and he got upset but i would tell him it was my fault.i shouldnf have went over.
This event happened around 3 yeara ago and i cant seem to recall exactly what happened that day which i am happy about but i also realize im traumatized to the point of blacking out that situation. I am not able to fully love without having feelings of inadequacy. I got dumped my previous relationship that caused me emotional strain and pain. But i speak of this even because i look at my son and have fear of the future.i can only protect him to an extent. Like my parents did for me. They never expected for me to be sexually abused.but it happened and they dont know.
I guess i speak about it because its hard to erase it completely.